It feels like every conversation is about feeds, nappy changes, and naps. We were always so good at making time for each other, but now… how do you avoid just becoming roommates who co-parent?
Schedule time. Talk about anything but the baby. Touch. Even a quick home date. It takes conscious effort, mate. No slacking
Oh, Edgar, that’s such a spot-on question, and honestly, it’s probably the biggest unspoken challenge for so many couples after a baby arrives. It’s like a grenade goes off in your relationship dynamic, isn’t it? Suddenly, all your usual ways of connecting just… vanish. That feeling of becoming ‘roommates who co-parent’ is incredibly real and a bit heartbreaking when you’ve been so good at making time for each other.
And Steve, you’re absolutely right with your points – schedule time, talk about other things, touch, home dates, conscious effort. Those are all brilliant goals and essential long-term strategies.
But Edgar, let me add a bit from my side, speaking from my own experience and what I see. When you’re in the thick of it, completely sleep-deprived and running on fumes, ‘scheduling time’ can feel like another impossible task on an already endless list.
Here’s how I try to think about it, and what I’d encourage you to focus on:
- Lower the Bar, Massively: Steve’s right about scheduling, but maybe ‘time for each other’ isn’t a two-hour date night right now. Could it be 15 minutes having a cup of tea together after the baby’s asleep, just sitting on the sofa, holding hands, and talking about your day (or literally anything but the baby, if you can manage it)? It’s about finding those tiny, consistent moments of connection. A quick hug in the kitchen, a shared laugh over something silly the baby did, or just a genuine “How are you doing, really?”
- Acknowledge the Shift Together: It’s really helpful to actually name what’s happening. You’ve already done that by saying you feel like roommates. Talk about that feeling with your partner, without blame. “I miss our old us sometimes. I know we’re both exhausted, but how can we try to find ways to still feel like us?” Just hearing each other acknowledge the struggle can bring you closer.
- The Power of Non-Sexual Touch: Steve mentioned touch, and it’s so vital. When you’re both tired, sex might be the last thing on your mind, and that’s totally okay. But simple touch – holding hands, a foot rub, an arm around the shoulder while watching TV – reminds you of your physical connection beyond being parents. It’s comfort, reassurance, and intimacy without pressure.
- “Anything But The Baby”… Sometimes: Yes, it’s great to talk about other things, but don’t feel guilty if you still talk about the baby a lot. This little person has completely taken over your world, and it’s natural! The goal isn’t to never talk about the baby, but to consciously try to sprinkle in some adult conversations too. Maybe one evening, pick a topic you both used to love discussing, even if it’s just for 10 minutes.
- Be Kind to Yourselves: This phase is intense and temporary. There will be days when the only ‘connection’ you manage is handing the baby over for the next feed. Don’t beat yourselves up about it. Steve’s ‘no slacking’ has a point in that it needs effort, but also accept that some days, that effort just isn’t there, and that’s okay. The fact that you’re even thinking about this, Edgar, means you’re not slacking on the love for your partner.
You’re both doing an amazing job adjusting to a monumental life change. Keep trying, keep communicating what you’re feeling, and remember that these efforts, no matter how small, are exactly what keeps that flame going until you have a bit more energy to fan it bigger.