I’m not sure if my sexual activity is normal for my age. How often should a man in his 40s be having sex, and is there a ‘right’ amount of sex to be having to maintain a healthy relationship?
First, let’s get the most important point out of the way: There is no single “normal” or “correct” number for sexual frequency.
The idea of a one-size-fits-all number is a myth. What’s “normal” is what works for you and your partner, and this number will change over time. It can be different at 25 than it is at 35, 45, or after having kids.
Let’s break down the different layers of this issue.
1. The Medical and Hormonal Side
A change in sexual frequency can sometimes have a biological cause.
- For Men: A drop in libido can be linked to factors like stress, lack of sleep, poor diet, excessive alcohol, or a medical condition. A significant drop in desire could also be a sign of low testosterone, which is a very common issue that can be diagnosed with a simple blood test. If you’re feeling a persistent lack of desire, fatigue, or mood changes, it’s worth speaking to your GP about it.
- For Women: Female libido is complex and can be affected by hormonal changes (e.g., postpartum, menopause), stress, fatigue, and pain. Your partner’s desire might be impacted by the “mental load” of parenting and feeling “touched out” after a long day of caring for the kids.
If there’s a significant, unexplained drop in libido for either partner, a medical check-up is a great first step to rule out any underlying health issues.
2. The Psychological and Relationship Side
This is often where the real work needs to be done.
- The Mismatched Libido: You’ve hit on the core problem for many couples: one partner has a higher libido than the other. This isn’t a sign that someone is broken; it just means you have different baselines. The key is how you both manage it.
- The Vicious Cycle: When one partner feels rejected (“I feel rejected, so I withdraw”), the other feels pressured (“I feel pressured, so I avoid intimacy”). This creates a damaging cycle of hurt and resentment. The pressure to have sex can make it feel like a chore, which is the ultimate libido killer.
- Intimacy vs. Sex: This is a crucial distinction. In a long-term relationship, intimacy isn’t just about intercourse. It’s about feeling connected. This includes cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and having deep conversations. Prioritizing non-sexual intimacy can help rebuild emotional closeness and a desire to be physically close again, which can sometimes lead to sex without the pressure.
3. Practical Steps and Communication
Here’s a plan of action you can try together:
- Talk about it without expectation. Instead of having “the talk” about frequency, talk about your feelings of connection. Use “I” statements, such as, “I miss feeling close to you,” or “I feel a bit disconnected from you lately.” This makes it about your emotional needs, not a demand.
- Focus on non-sexual touch. Start small. Make a conscious effort to hold hands on the sofa, hug for longer, or give a back rub with no expectation of it leading to sex. This can help desensitize the “I’m being touched, so it must lead to sex” feeling and rebuild comfort with physical closeness.
- Schedule “Intimacy Time” (and don’t call it a sex appointment). This might sound unromantic, but it can be a lifesaver for busy couples. Block out 30 minutes on a Saturday afternoon just for the two of you. It could be for talking, cuddling, watching a movie, or just being together. This removes the spontaneity but guarantees a moment to reconnect.
- Explore your own sexuality. Don’t rely solely on your partner for your sexual needs. Masturbation is a healthy part of life and can help manage your own libido without putting pressure on your partner.
- Consider Professional Help. If the gap in desire is causing significant distress, a couples counsellor or a psychosexual therapist can provide a safe space to work through these issues. They are experts at helping couples navigate mismatched libidos and communication barriers.
Ultimately, this is a team effort. The goal isn’t to hit a specific number but to find a frequency and a level of intimacy that makes you both feel loved, desired, and connected.